I Learned to Love You When You’re Gone

I have experienced the darkest of skies with you.

Your infliction of pain drawn from your own suffering to which I was never privy to.

No matter my place or identity in this world, you were my worse critic.

And in the toughest moments of my life, I never once uttered a word of my hurt to you…

Because you were the enemy I never wanted.

The enemy born from within.

The world saw us as mother and daughter.

But I saw you as the demon inside of me.

When I look in the mirror, I see nothing but a refugee in exile.

One that wanted to leave this earth ages ago.

To be saved or diminished.

Either way suit me fine for a while.

And as a refugee, there’s no way of knowing what self-worth meant

Or how love evolves in time to see it grow into its fullest form

I couldn’t stay a while even if you beg me

Because the demon I possess couldn’t be pacified by no one

Not even me.

But, my dear mother, you perished sooner than expected

And in your passing lies the worse nightmare I’ve seen

You left without redefining my value to you

You left without claiming I’m yours

You left without much of a room to smile at each other

And not even a shred of gratitude was ever exchanged between us.

But despite your nonexistence now

The mere absence of you led the universe to find me

And in its keeping I couldn’t digress from the thought of you

That you resembled love

How could I have mistaken your roar as a means to push me away?

How could I have lost the courage to face your grace?

The paralysis of my existence around you

I couldn’t shrug off until now

Now that you’re gone

I live again at the expense of you leaving

I love again because I found you

If loving you now is a lesson I have to learn

So be it

For I learned to love you now that you’re gone.